je ferais n'importe quoi de m'en ficher.

I never thought you would actually make me hate you. I want to hate you so much...



...and I can't bring myself to hate you...

Eraser

Please excuse me but I got to ask
Are you only being nice
Because you want something
My fairy tale arrow pierces
Be careful how you respond
'Cause you'd not end up in this song
I never gave you an encouragement
And it's doing me in


The more you try to erase me
The more that I appear
Oh the more, the more
The more you try the eraser
The more that you appear

You know the answer so why do you ask
I am only being nice
Because I want someone, something
You're like a kitten with a ball of yarn
And it's doing me in

The more you try to erase me
The more that I appear
The more I try to erase you
The more that you appear
No, you're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong

Coincidences

Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!


Thanks, Albert.

recent dreams

i'm not normally prone to remembering my dreams. i attribute this to four solid years of smoking pot, two of those years, every day. but it seems like my system has cleaned itself out, and the dusty corners of my brain that i clouded with smoke have cleared to let me take a good look at them. i've dreamt pretty solid for the past week...some old favorites, some completely new ones...

Dream #1 "Vanity" or "Starting New"
i dream that my teeth are loose. particularly my front teeth. i know that i shouldn't wiggle them with my tongue, but i can't help myself. lo and behold, two or three of my front teeth fall out. in my panic, i attain a level of clarity and realize that if i want to save the teeth, i must put them in cold milk. i do so, and beg anyone and everyone around me to take me to the dentist to have them put back in. the tragic irony of the dream is that no one will.

Dream #2 "Recent Memory"
london.

Dream #3 "Ancient Memory"
i'm in black dog coffee house, my old hangout from high school. it's where all the struggling-to-be-understood-high-school-intellectuals hung out after school and on weekend nights. one of the first places in lenexa to sell fair trade...anyways, i'm myself...my age; i look like me...but all the people that i know there from the past are still stuck at that age. i recognize them but can't bring myself to talk to them because they are just so ridiculous. and i wake up and realize all those people that i thought would be friends with...including my boyfriend, are all people that i never talk to and have no desire to ever have any relationship with again.

which i guess is why, when i'm at home, i never go to black dog.

Dream #4 "New Experience"
*shivers in a dark corner on meth or something*

fake plastic trees

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run.
And it wears me out, it wears me out.
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time....

now that you're big enough to run your own show, you're just somebody that i used to know...

what the FUCK do i want out of this life?
i feel like the one thing i want i can never have. the timing was and is all wrong. it was all wrong from the start and i fucking knew it. i even tried to fight it. the question i have to ask myself is: is what i got out of it better than never having had it at all?

and i hate myself for wanting it more than anything else. i am not that person. i faked myself into believe that i was a person that didn't care about such sentimentalities.

yes but thinking about never having it again...
this is why you never, never, never fall in love.