Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!

Thanks, Albert.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

recent dreams

i'm not normally prone to remembering my dreams. i attribute this to four solid years of smoking pot, two of those years, every day. but it seems like my system has cleaned itself out, and the dusty corners of my brain that i clouded with smoke have cleared to let me take a good look at them. i've dreamt pretty solid for the past week...some old favorites, some completely new ones...

Dream #1 "Vanity" or "Starting New"
i dream that my teeth are loose. particularly my front teeth. i know that i shouldn't wiggle them with my tongue, but i can't help myself. lo and behold, two or three of my front teeth fall out. in my panic, i attain a level of clarity and realize that if i want to save the teeth, i must put them in cold milk. i do so, and beg anyone and everyone around me to take me to the dentist to have them put back in. the tragic irony of the dream is that no one will.

Dream #2 "Recent Memory"

Dream #3 "Ancient Memory"
i'm in black dog coffee house, my old hangout from high school. it's where all the struggling-to-be-understood-high-school-intellectuals hung out after school and on weekend nights. one of the first places in lenexa to sell fair trade...anyways, i'm age; i look like me...but all the people that i know there from the past are still stuck at that age. i recognize them but can't bring myself to talk to them because they are just so ridiculous. and i wake up and realize all those people that i thought would be friends with...including my boyfriend, are all people that i never talk to and have no desire to ever have any relationship with again.

which i guess is why, when i'm at home, i never go to black dog.

Dream #4 "New Experience"
*shivers in a dark corner on meth or something*

Saturday, January 12, 2008

fake plastic trees

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run.
And it wears me out, it wears me out.
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time....